This has been such a crappy night, who knew such a small amount of extra pasta could ruin your mood so much. I feel disgusting to be completely honest, but I guess you’re always going to feel that way at some point in recovery, hell everyone feels less confident sometimes. Anyway I’m just going to get a good nights sleep and wake up fresh for early morning therapy and weight checks yayayay ugh. And I have my last ever advanced higher English lesson tomorrow which is actually devastating, it’s been my funniest class all year and we’ve become really close and I’ll miss it so much. I’ve made a cake for them which I’ll probably post a photo of tomorrow cause y’all will love it obvs.
Never thought I’d be so happy to have therapy at 8:30AM tomorrow morning but this is the longest I’ve been without it since Christmas and I have had a shitty couple of weeks and have so much I need to talk about. I’m feeling motivated because I really really really want to be able to go to uni this year so even though I’m terrified I’m going to suggest moving way from the safety of the certainty I have with my meal plan and start trying to move towards intuitive eating without my parents having to constantly watch me. I also need to talk to them about exercise, coping with triggering people/bad body image, and ask them when we can stop talking about food and start talking about why I got ill in the first place. Im hoping that tomorrow will be a milestone in my recovery.
You're beautiful and you're inspiring me so much every day. Thank you so much :) I hope one day I'm like you
This means so much to me thank you :)
I’ve decided I can’t do modern studies so instead of trying to write the last 600 words of my already repetitive dissertation I am going to drink tea and read Harry Potter, this is the way forward, i can feel it
I never mean to do ridiculously long text posts but tough I’m afraid, that’s what’s coming:
This afternoon my Dad told me he wanted to change my afternoon snack because I’d overestimate the calories in my dinner. At first I freaked out, started crying and shaking and stuff because I thought they were lying to me to make me eat more, then I calmed down and got on with everything but by snack time my dad had gone out and a miscommunication lead to my mum thinking I was meant to have the new snack IN ADDITION to the planned one, the planned one had literally been a handful of grapes but I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t. So mum started sulking and slamming the door shut and stuff, I asked her to stop because I was practically in tears over the guilt of upsetting her, then she asked why she couldn’t show her feelings, she said she couldn’t believe our family life has come to this and said all she wanted was for me to start eating. At this point I completely lost it, I screamed that I have been eating, that I’ve gained a stone an that I didn’t even want to go and see my best friends this afternoon because they’d see how “greedy and lazy” I’ve been this holiday. Anyway that resulted in me and my mum sitting crying on the sofa together and I just knew it was all my fault and I still feel so guilty for ruining my family. So I went out, I met my friends and OF COURSE they didn’t judge my weight gain, in fact I dare say they didn’t even notice, and now I’m home and I’ve made my mum a cup of tea and am in bed reading even though my head is screaming at me that I haven’t done my daily yoga, and tonight I’m going to have dinner like a normal person and try and forget that I don’t trust the calorie count on it. Because it’s one meal, it can’t hurt me. And next Easter I am going I be fucking rolling in chocolate, I guarantee it. Tomorrow we’re having a meal with my grandad and today my dad finally told him about my illness. That means he’ll be staring at me as I eat tomorrow and he’ll be worried about me and it’ll be really awkward, my grandad and I have alway been very very close and apparently when he was told the first thing he asked was when he could see me and give me a hug and he’s so sweet and I couldn’t ask for better I just wish he didn’t have to see how weak and messed up I’ve made myself. So yeah happy Easter!
Once you get this, you must say 5 nice things about yourself publicly and then send it to your 10 favourites followers (not back to me I already did it). Thinking good things about yourself is hard, but it will make you feel good, so give it a go!
Hi :) hmm okay
1. I’m good at listening to people
2. I’m loyal
3. I’m good at baking
4. I’m quite clever
5. I’m never nasty or unfair to people
Well today had been sufficiently blegh, this morning dad told me he wanted me to go out to the botanics with them and have my afternoon snack at a cafe there instead of what I’d planned at home because while my body gets healthier I am still very much trapped in a habit of meal plans and careful calorie counting so yeah that was a challenge, then my family had a BBQ because of the lovely sunny weather but I couldn’t face another change to my plan so I sat and ate my chilli and brown rice while they all had burgers and sausages and potato salad etc. I know it was my choice but it still just sucks not to be able to follow the same spontaneity as everyone else. Then I was in my parents room because I had really bad body image and they have a full length mirror which I don’t so I was just staring at myself and I felt that I looked so so awful. I noticed an asda bag on the bed and saw that they’d bought me an Easter egg and it makes me so sad because honestly, I still have fucking Halloween chocolates in my cupboard, and I know I won’t eat it any time soon but my parents are obviously still hoping. So yeah basically I am tired of not being the same as the rest of my family. And now it’s time for a good nights sleep and a better tomorrow I guess.
Yaaaay!! I'm so glad! I couldn't decide what to wear haha!! Xx
Aww I know the problem, it’s so up and down (‘: have a lovely day!
Don't give in to the voices sweetheart. You're doing so amazingly well, don't let them win, you're much stronger than that. It's so brilliant that you've got your boobs and bum back, I can't wait until I get there too (I miss being able to sit down comfortably..) I'm so proud of you and everything you've achieved so far. It's ok to have little slip ups and panicky moments, so long as you keep on fighting and don't let the ED voices take over again. Sending you lots of love and best wishes xxx
Thank you so much this really means a lot to me and you’re so right. I’ve been seeing a lot o your posts an I really really admire your dedication to recovery, I think you’re so so brave and while you’re beautiful now, I honestly believe that recovery will make you absolutely glowing. I’m proud of you too and here any time you need to talk :) xx
I literally spend all day being like “wooo can’t wait to be healthy and have proper boobs and a proper bum” then seeing myself in the mirror and being like “oh shit my thigh gap is nearly gone” - WHY DOES IT MATTER BRAIN? What makes me more attractive, empty space or perky boobs? …It’s not a hard question, I need to just get over this ugh
I had such a good day today at the safari park with my family! I freaked a little over the blueberry muffin I had at lunch but I had some amaaazing sushi too like seriously it was so good. I got my face painted which was actually a really big deal for me because I had paint on my mouth and stuff like that normally sends me panicking. It was lovely and sunny but freezing cold so now I’m home with a nice cup of tea. If you’re ever in Scotland please visit Blair Drummond, it’s GREAT. Also took a drive over Stirling’s campus since I missed all the open days and it made me remember I want to get better for so many reasons. WOOO happy.
For the past 6 months my feelings have been ridiculously up and down, however this week they have been nothing but down. I felt hopeless and vulnerable and was in a really bad place so I am very pleased to report that I am finally feeling better today! Some reminders for myself and anyone else who’s struggling out there:
- people know you’ve been ill and people know you’ve been strong. Stop trying to prove that you’re sick and start trying to prove that you have the power to get better because trust me that’s more impressive.
- your family and doctors etc. are not going to let you lose weight again, you can either stay here at this uncomfortable, close to healthy weight following strict eating plans and not being allowed out with your friends or to uni etc. or you can put on a little weight, look gorgeous and healthy, learn to accept yourself and take your life back. Going back is not an option so go forward instead.
- they are not going to make you unhealthy, that’s not the plan. They’re helping you, they’ve seen it all before and they have that job because they want to help people like you. Stop letting yourself get paranoid and jut trust them.
- food is delicious, you like food you want to enjoy it. Exercise is Healthy and fun, you want to enjoy it. Holidays are relaxing, not terrifying, you want to enjoy it. Being 18 means drinking and laughing and having fun and going to uni and making friends, you damn well want to enjoy it. and you can if you just pass this last hurdle.
- you are brave, you are strong, you are loved and you deserve more than this.
I feel so guilty for saying this seeing as she’s been essentially saving my life since October but my mum needs to respect me more. I had breakfast with her this morning, today being a day which already contains lots of challenges, having had it with my dad every day for about 4 months so I was pretty uncomfortable. She then didn’t measure out the milk right and got angry when I asked her to do it again, I wish she could understand that she has to be sensitive and that getting angry with me just makes me feel attacked and guilty and a whole lot less likely to go along with them and their recovery ideals. Since then she’s asked me if it’s “really that much harder having breakfast with me than with dad?” And okay I get that it upsets her and I see why, but yes, truthfully, it is. She knows eating disorders don’t make sense, she knows this has been one of the hardest weeks for me so far, so I wish she’d stop making me feel so insignificant and guilty and instead just show me the respect I need to get through this. Ugh sorry, ranted longer than expected.