Yaaaay!! I'm so glad! I couldn't decide what to wear haha!! Xx
Aww I know the problem, it’s so up and down (‘: have a lovely day!
Don't give in to the voices sweetheart. You're doing so amazingly well, don't let them win, you're much stronger than that. It's so brilliant that you've got your boobs and bum back, I can't wait until I get there too (I miss being able to sit down comfortably..) I'm so proud of you and everything you've achieved so far. It's ok to have little slip ups and panicky moments, so long as you keep on fighting and don't let the ED voices take over again. Sending you lots of love and best wishes xxx
Thank you so much this really means a lot to me and you’re so right. I’ve been seeing a lot o your posts an I really really admire your dedication to recovery, I think you’re so so brave and while you’re beautiful now, I honestly believe that recovery will make you absolutely glowing. I’m proud of you too and here any time you need to talk :) xx
I literally spend all day being like “wooo can’t wait to be healthy and have proper boobs and a proper bum” then seeing myself in the mirror and being like “oh shit my thigh gap is nearly gone” - WHY DOES IT MATTER BRAIN? What makes me more attractive, empty space or perky boobs? …It’s not a hard question, I need to just get over this ugh
I had such a good day today at the safari park with my family! I freaked a little over the blueberry muffin I had at lunch but I had some amaaazing sushi too like seriously it was so good. I got my face painted which was actually a really big deal for me because I had paint on my mouth and stuff like that normally sends me panicking. It was lovely and sunny but freezing cold so now I’m home with a nice cup of tea. If you’re ever in Scotland please visit Blair Drummond, it’s GREAT. Also took a drive over Stirling’s campus since I missed all the open days and it made me remember I want to get better for so many reasons. WOOO happy.
For the past 6 months my feelings have been ridiculously up and down, however this week they have been nothing but down. I felt hopeless and vulnerable and was in a really bad place so I am very pleased to report that I am finally feeling better today! Some reminders for myself and anyone else who’s struggling out there:
- people know you’ve been ill and people know you’ve been strong. Stop trying to prove that you’re sick and start trying to prove that you have the power to get better because trust me that’s more impressive.
- your family and doctors etc. are not going to let you lose weight again, you can either stay here at this uncomfortable, close to healthy weight following strict eating plans and not being allowed out with your friends or to uni etc. or you can put on a little weight, look gorgeous and healthy, learn to accept yourself and take your life back. Going back is not an option so go forward instead.
- they are not going to make you unhealthy, that’s not the plan. They’re helping you, they’ve seen it all before and they have that job because they want to help people like you. Stop letting yourself get paranoid and jut trust them.
- food is delicious, you like food you want to enjoy it. Exercise is Healthy and fun, you want to enjoy it. Holidays are relaxing, not terrifying, you want to enjoy it. Being 18 means drinking and laughing and having fun and going to uni and making friends, you damn well want to enjoy it. and you can if you just pass this last hurdle.
- you are brave, you are strong, you are loved and you deserve more than this.
I feel so guilty for saying this seeing as she’s been essentially saving my life since October but my mum needs to respect me more. I had breakfast with her this morning, today being a day which already contains lots of challenges, having had it with my dad every day for about 4 months so I was pretty uncomfortable. She then didn’t measure out the milk right and got angry when I asked her to do it again, I wish she could understand that she has to be sensitive and that getting angry with me just makes me feel attacked and guilty and a whole lot less likely to go along with them and their recovery ideals. Since then she’s asked me if it’s “really that much harder having breakfast with me than with dad?” And okay I get that it upsets her and I see why, but yes, truthfully, it is. She knows eating disorders don’t make sense, she knows this has been one of the hardest weeks for me so far, so I wish she’d stop making me feel so insignificant and guilty and instead just show me the respect I need to get through this. Ugh sorry, ranted longer than expected.
You are fabulous, Always have been and always will be :) Keep on shining Heather. I am here if you ever want to talk xx
Thank you so much, this was such a lovely message :) and as are you and I’m always here for you too, thank you! Xx
I have no idea how to reply to replies on my posts so i hope this gets seen, I’m so sorry I’m not just being rude! So thank you to tallgreengirl and soft-like-the-sea for the support today I really really appreciate it :) hope you guys are doing well and I’m here to talk anytime
Well today started off completely and utterly… Awful if we’re being honest. After breakfast my dad told me that him and mum had read my diary last night. Apparently they thought I ‘wanted’ them to because I’d forgotten to take it upstairs. I was absolutely furious, that thing literally has every single one of my thoughts in it and I also felt guilty because now they know how fucked up some of my thinking is. Anyway I went to bed and cried for 3 hours and refused to get up or go downstairs, my eating disorder was using my anger against my parents to convince me that they were making me fat and I had to stop letting them feed me up. It took a while but after those 3 hours I stopped listening to it, I went downstairs and had lunch and told my dad that I did not want to talk about a single thing in the diary and thankfully he didn’t push it. Since then my mood has been kinda crap and my body image is terrible but I’ve done my nails and eyebrows and am now drinking tea while writing up next week’s meal plan. *sighs*
I can’t sleep because I’m thinking thinking thinking away. I’m getting weighed tomorrow and I’m absolutely terrified, I can usually somewhat calm myself down by saying “whatever the number is, it’s impossible that you’ll have gained over xx kg, so you’ll still be underweight” but now I’m so close to a healthy weight that that’s not true any more. My body is showing signs of returning to health which should make me happy, but I feel like I’m failing by recovering so quickly, I haven’t been ill for long and it got caught quickly, which in a way was good but it also means I’m stuck feeling like I’ve never been sick enough so I can’t get better yet. I feel like I’m not even anorexic any more I’m just a liar, I eat a lot more than some people I see on the ed recovery tag and I can’t help comparing myself to that and thinking I should be eating less, or that they should be getting my help and everything is just so triggering right now. I feel so guilty and like such a failure for getting healthy even though I know it’s made EVERYONE in my life so much happier. Thank you brain for all this perfect logic.