You know what, I’m actually a pretty decent person. My friends come to me with their problems so I must be doing something right, so why don’t I deserve health and happiness and tasty food? Oh that’s right, I fucking do.
I forgot how much I love music and tv shows and films and singing and socialising and eating and drinking. I forgot who I was but I’m getting me back gram by gram, it does come back and I promise you can be yourself again.
When my sisters here I feel like I should be triggered because she’s always been gorgeous and had an amazing figure etc. but honestly I see how relaxed and spontaneous she is with food and it really motivates me BECAUSE she’s still stunning and curvy and totally not fat even though she eats as much/more than I do on my weight gain plan. She’s jut so relaxed about food and i want that. Also because she’s not here often she hasn’t seen me break down over food, so mealtimes aren’t a big deal to her like they’ve become to my parents and wee sister, it’s so relaxing and refreshing to have someone act normal while I’m eating.
I’ve felt hideous today so woooo face fears and have a selfie. Apparently my hair is starting to look healthier *there are plus sides please remember*
Lunching on home made sushi with green tea, followed by mixed nuts with custard and extra green tea, feeling happy.
My parents aren’t up yet and they’re meant to make me breakfast and I have to have it soon if we’re fitting in my morning snack and I can’t miss that today because I missed one yesterday but I can’t make myself breakfast because if I do it’s my fault what do I do what do I do
If you’re feeling guilty for feeling better then are you really feeling better at all?
Potential prom dress. You know who would look damn fine in this dress? A curvier girl than I am just now, hello motivation.
Weight gain is:
- social life
- making others happy
- parties, holidays, concerts, LIFE
- enjoying food and exercise
- better hair, skin and curves
- peaceful sleep
- improved concentration
- being able to sit comfortably
Weight gain is not:
- losing friends
Remember what you’re fighting for
Note to self: I may have gained weight but so what? I am beautiful, brave and yes, people still like me.
So being ill alienates me from my friends and my illness tells me they’ll only like me if I’m sicker fucking hell shut up shut up shut up
After talking to my parents, we’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to increased my intake because my weight restoration is taking far longer than it should. At first I really panicked but then my mum said that I could try making my own meal plan, and as long as I genuinely increased it by a significant amount then they’d consider letting me stick to it. So I finally have a say in my own food, I’ve made a meal plan which increases my average daily amount by 500 calories, I’ve put far healthier stuff in than they would, such as nuts instead of chocolates because ive felt really unhealthy recently, but I’ve kept some challenges in there for myself like pizza and ice creams and I’m so excited by the prospect of healthily recovering and really hope they approve of what I’ve done.
(This is such an unflattering photo of me but come on heather move past it) so last night me and my boyfriend went for dinner at pizza express, I could have ordered one of their “lighter options” and it would have been so so easy to have the 2 courses I’d promised my parents with less than 600 calories between them. But I didn’t, I ordered a classic pizza, a completely normal meal and I was so proud of myself. Then the bastards brought me the bigger version of the pizza (this isn’t just in my head, it genuinely was bigger like we had to pay extra) and I could have cried or sent it back but I didn’t. I ate a massive pizza and only left a little bit of cheese, and then I ordered not the lightest dessert, but the second lightest. When I got home I started feeling guilty and disgusting but this morning that guilt has turned into pride. And I know that my boyfriend was proud of me, and he got me the sweetest presents for valentines day which showed that he listens to even the stupidest of my stories. That combined with how happy he was when I ate my pizza just gave me the extra wee reminder that I was starting to need. He loves me no matter what and if getting better makes him happier then it’s what needs done and I’ll be happier too and it’ll be great and I can’t wait. Being skinny and in control is no fun, but being loved and living life really is. And that was far longer than I planned it to be so woops and sorry to anyone who actually read it.